Killington New Hampshire: The Brief (and true) History of How Killington Tried To Move From Vermont To New Hampshire.

In Killington Vermont in 2004, a squabble over millions of dollars of tax revenue that was being sent to the VT state legislature was held up when Killington complained of the few services it received in return.

The state of Vermont was pressed by the Killington Ski area to allow the whole mountain to secede to the neighboring state of New Hampshire, where there are no applicable state taxes and the other state would be more supportive of the goals to be the best ski area on the East coast.

Killington,VT Pays High Tax Bill To The State of Vermont

Killington Vermont is popular ski resort in Sherburne, Vermont that was created in 1958. Despite its great success the ski resort had problems with the VT state legislature because resident’s taxes were high and few services were received back from the state.

Residents and visitors paid a total of $20 million dollars taxes a year to the state of Vermont (In property taxes and sales/lodging taxes) but only received $1 million dollars’ worth of local funding back from the state for roads and schools. This was dramatically out of line with the returns that other Vermont resort towns received, which are often at around a 20% return. The “resort” designation that VT assigned to Killington is often seen as an opportunity for the Vermont legislature to get money for nothing.

This great financial disparity between town forced many Killington residents to consider secession to the state of New Hampshire, which is 25 Miles to the East. New Hampshire has no sales tax and promised a “dollar for dollar” return on property tax. If the Killington ski mountain was rezoned into the neighboring state, New Hampshire would receive a room and lodging tax, but not hit Killington up for anything else.

The net saving, according to an economic study conducted by Killington, shows that the Killington ski resort would save at least $7 Million dollars a year in taxes alone and could expect a 24% increase in sales in retail sales and dining as New Hampshire does not tax these items and local Vermonters would start to make trips to Killington for groceries and gasoline at tax-free prices.

Not surprisingly, the Vermont legislature did not want to part with the Killington cash-cow willingly, so they created various road blocks to the transfer of the town including citing the fact that the US Constitution explicitly prohibits land secession from one state to another. They also demanded large payments for “asset abandonment” and reminded Killington residents they would lose all the rights to welfare, tuition and their discounts to Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream – although New Hampshire had promised better benefits and to reimburse Vermont up to $500 Million dollars for asset abandonment as well as supply large amounts of free Haagen Dazs or Blue Bunny ice cream instead.

Vermont politicians did not allow the initiative to go ahead so the bill to transfer control of Killington to The State of New Hampshire finally died in the Vermont legislature on June 1st 2006.

The Not-So-Accurate Story of Killington Moving the Whole Mountain Out Of State

Not to be outdone, Killington residents had another (fake) plan in reserve, a backup plan they had hatched five years earlier that they hoped they would not have to implement.

The Secret Plan To Move Killington Mountain, Vermont Across The Border To The State Of New Hampshire During The Night

As an insurance against a Vermont legislative failure, Killington residents had secretly commissioned a study to actually physically transport Killington mountain across the border into New Hampshire, rock by rock. When the political initiative failed in the Vermont legislature in 2006, Vermont residents engaged this plan and thus began the mammoth project of moving 25 billion tons of rock from Killington Mountain, Vermont to a new site called Killington Mountain, New Hampshire, 25 miles down the road, just outside Woodstock, creating the new Aspen, just on the East Coast.

The transfer included the five separate mountains of Killington, a 4 mile long stretch of access road and a variety of bars, restaurants and homes. Unfortunately the surrounding towns of Killington could not be moved, so the towns of Mendon, Pittsfield, Bridgewater and Rutland fell into disrepair and ultimately became abandoned and ghostly. Although “The Shops at the Shack” appeared to be on the access road, their entrance was actually on Route 4, so the building was left and is now home to a politically correct “blended” family of brown and black bears, that seem to get along quite well. All the famous spots on the access road were moved including “Fickles” a drunken singles bar/nightclub, “The Wobbly Burn” (Named after the medical condition often contracted by visiting this location on Saturday night) and Sushi He-she (where the bar staff are part of the local transgendered community)

Vermont Politicians Block Roads During Project

The transportation of Killington Mountain project that officially began in 2006 was not without its detractors. Many non-Killington residents and politicians tried to the block the path of the 4000 dump trucks that would travel on route 4 every day to the new site in Killington New Hampshire.

These attempts were ultimately thwarted by Killington residents who would carry mountain material in their handbags and pockets and avoid the picket lines. Another successful strategy was the use of pommel horses full of the soil and rock, although the gymnastics dept. of The University Of Vermont (UVM) did notice that much of their equipment was missing and alerted the Vermont police, who were sadly pre-occupied directing traffic for 4000 dump trucks a day that inexplicably showed up on route 4.

Grand Opening of Killington New Hampshire October 2010

Killington New Hampshire opened to great fanfare on October 1st 2010 and in keeping with its mission statement of “First to open, last to close” it opened with an amazing base of 10 inches of powder all over the mountain, which was independently verified by management consultant PriceWaterhouseCoopers (to avoid some of the inaccuracies in the past that were perpetuated by the previous Killington Mountain management in Vermont that had not been as honest in bad winters when no snow fell)

The New Management Team at Killington, New Hampshire

Killington New Hampshire has a dynamic new management team that reinvests profits back into Killington and does not send any money back to a mother ship in Utah. The new management team is made up of:

Chris Cyborg – President of Killington, New Hampshire
Although Chris is actually a robot, he cares deeply about Killington Mountain and has been programmed to not tell lies. Chris has been programmed to be able to say the word “rain” instead of “mixed precipitation” and can often be seen waiting his turn in line at the chairlift, instead of using his authority to get to the front. Chris lives with his wife and dogs at Dork Mountain, Pittsfield NH but will soon be relocated to the mother ship in Utah where it is in fact legal to have more than one wife.

Tom Bollocks – Communications & Public Relations Manager
Although Tom is afflicted with large testicles, this doesn’t stop him from having fun. Tom can be seen most weekends poaching closed trails all over the mountain. Tom also has a personal crusade against packed-luncher’s in his quest to bring back reasonable prices to the ski lodges for season pass holders. Tom took an economics course at the Culinary Institute at Dartmouth College and realized that higher revenue does increase operating costs, but overall actually made more profits than less, increased paying jobs at the mountain and resulted in a more positive feedback from regular skiers. Packed-lunchers now see little financial advantage in bringing in their own food and drink. Tom has committed that the days of $5 for a warm Gatorade are long gone.

Forrest Dump – Chief Snowboard Instructor
It’s not clear if Forrest got his last name from his love of deep snow or from his excessive use of the bathroom, but his verve and love of snowboarding is a great asset while teaching snowboard newbies how to speak surf-style and how to cutoff show-off skiers without getting caught. He can often be seen at the Snowshit base lodge hack-sawing ski poles

Killington, New Hampshire Press Release: Killington New Hampshire Announces Connection To Psycho Mountain

At the opening of Killington New Hampshire in October 2010, the Killington management team was also pleased to announce the opening of the “long heralded” connection between Killington and its sister mountain to the north, Psycho mountain. Chris Cyborg initially said “Low battery warning”, but later, after a recharge, stated “It’s my pleasure to open the connection between these two mountains, skiers and snowboarders now can have the choice between the incessant crowds at Killington or the inmates on Psycho Mountain”

To make this connection happen Killington New Hampshire had to install a new chairlift and cut 2 new trails, with an initial investment of over $2 million dollars, Chris Cyborg indicated that he intends to keep operating costs down by staffing the lift with non-English speaking workers from random third world countries and then promise them citizenship of Liberia.

Tom Bollocks Crusade Against Packed Lunchers

As part of Tom Bollocks personal crusade against packed-lunchers, Tom has introduced a tap water fee of $1. The fee is payable per cup and must be deposited into the counter jar marked “Toms Tips”. Tom stopped short of banning of cups, but did concede that “If people want to share cups that’s OK, but they will be charged 50c”

Introduction of The “Killington Stash”

For many years Killington did not provide effective programs for snowboarders, usually just assuming the skier services would suffice. This year Killington New Hampshire has launched a service called “The Stash” which is an area on the mountain for “snowboarders only” where snowboarders can store their medical marijuana without fear of criminal prosecution.

If snowboarders unfortunately run out of their ‘prescription’ drug, Killington New Hampshire has provided a local contact named the “Long Island Couch” who can provide refills.

The Stash has also provided an endless chairlift which boarders can stay on all day to partake their medicine, many of whom never realize it doesn’t end and go round and round until they get hungry.

Solution for South Ridge Triple Chairlift

After 42 reported back injuries and 2 decapitation deaths last year; Chris Cyborg has committed to stop injuries occurring on the South Face triple chairlift. He has decided to rename it the ‘South Face 3 Person” lift. When asked about actual safety changes, Chris said the name change was the only thing planned right now.

Skiers have also complained about the early closing of the South Ridge triple at 3pm, Chris Cyborg has confirmed that he has taken steps to have the closing time changed to 15:00 instead, when asked if that is actually the same time, but in the 24 Hr. clock form, Chris replied “Not in my book, bro”

It later transpired that Chris had actually planned on cutting the South Face Triple chairlift down with Forrest Dump’s hacksaw, right after the press conference and then selling the metal for scrap, which is exactly what he ended up doing.

The 108 chairs from this chairlift are available for sale behind Mr Cyborgs garage in Pittsfield VT and are available to purchase in bitcoin only. Chris’s account number is bc1qxy2kgdygjrsqtzq2n0yrf2493

Tom Bollocks Comes Up With New Tagline “The Beast”

Tom Bollocks recently had an epiphany for a new tag line for Killington New Hampshire. Why not refer to Killington as “The Beast”. He had this epiphany while doing a short stint in a Mexican jail fort some trumped up charges that involved an elephant and 3 pounds of rhino tranquillizer.

Initially Bollocks considered “The Beast” may be too close to its previous tag line of “The Beast of The East” but he filed this under his other weak tag lines from the past including “Peaks of Excitement” from the 1996 season, “The Ultimate Mountain Resort” from 1997, “Ultimate Adventures” from 1998, “Endless Adventures” from 1999 to 2001, “Beast of the East” 2002-2010″ and now just “The Beast” for 2011 season and onwards.

Tom also indicates that pretty much anyone could come up with the next name for the resort as long as they used words that have been used before. He anticipates the next moniker may well be “The Endless Beast of Peaks”, but he has to check with his wife if that is OK.

Route 4 Extension To Killington Through New York State Approved

It’s been a complaint from skiers from New York for many years, but finally the management team of Killington, New Hampshire has convinced New York State to convert route 4 into an interstate through New York to connect to the New York Thruway (or the Northway as it’s often referred to).

This change will cut the trip from New York City, and Albany to Killington, New Hampshire down by 40 minutes. New York State government has calmed the fears of the various small towns that will now be avoided, such as Whitehall, Fort Ann and Lake George that their police officers will still be allowed to patrol this new highway and give out tickets to any driver travelling more than 25 mph.

New York State was also able to negotiate that these towns also remove local laws that allow brothers and sisters to marry each other, but the cousin rule must stay firmly in place.

Lifetime Skier Passes

Chris Cyborg, president of Killington New Hampshire, has confirmed that the previous cancellation of all lifetime Killington ski pass holders was a regrettable incident and that he could no longer stand idly by while the Corporate giant “Nose Powder Corporation” insulted the ski generation that built Killington.

The subsequent court case in the Vermont appeals court showed that it is perfectly legal in Vermont for a corporation not to stand by the previous owners contracts; by selling a company to another party Vermont State has confirmed that all existing contracts and liabilities are null and void. In an apparent “about face”

As of writing, Chris has subsequently reinstated all lifetime passes and has contended that he longer no harbors any bitterness or ill-will. At a recent AA meeting, Chris was quoted as saying right before an oil change “Look, all these all old people with lifetime ski passes will be dead soon, so let’s see how well their caskets can ride the lift then”

Killington Peak Gets Another Name Change

The original (and real name) of Killington Peak in Vermont is Mount Pisgah, although when Killington Vermont was moved to New Hampshire in 2010 the name of the peak was also changed (For legal reasons) to Mount Pisser. Rumor has it that this was done because Chris Cyborg enjoyed urinating in public, but that was quickly denied by Mr. Cyborg who stated that he only likes to pee in private in his pants although he did admit to liking the occasional golden shower.

Killington New Hampshire To Remove Rat Meat From Chili

Justin Blase, the executive chef from Killington New Hampshire, confirmed today that rat meat will no longer be used in any of the Killington New Hampshire base lodge restaurants. When pressed, Justin did admit that to keep costs down he may have to use some old donkey meat, but this will primarily be used to feed the undocumented workers recently brought in from Brazil to staff the lifts because he could not find any Americans that would basically “work for nothing”

Killington New Hampshire Launches The Ledgewood Yurt

A Mongolian style temporary shelter on the Snowshit Mountain that serves diners overpriced cafeteria food after being poisoned by carbon monoxide fumes on a sleigh ride pulled by a snow cat half way up Snowshit Mountain has just opened.

It is believed that this is an entirely original idea and is in no way is similar to the idea of the “SnowCat Dinner Experience” successfully established at Okemo in 2009. Tom Bollocks was recently quoted as saying “I plead the 3rd amendment”, when he was reminded that the 3rd amendment referred to “No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner” Tom responded with “If I wait long enough, how long before the marble statue of those limitations kicks in?” A long time Tom, a very long time.

Susan Abrahamson

Recent written research pieces have been printed in Wired Magazine, Tech Review, Business Insider and Cat Fancier. Although the latter story did not require any hands-on tech knowledge, Mr Tiddles gave it his full approval and his fuzzy logic is really rather cute.