Resume From Hell

We received a crazy resume (curriculum vitae) from a recent candidate for a role we had in the office for an office assistant. We thought we should post the ‘anonymized” resume.

Julia Smalls
Wantage, NJ 07012

Dear Sirs,

I want to be an “energetic” partner in a “new-media” and I have experiences in “Web-Media!” I have a college degree and have experience in being a webmaster of various internet Forums. I can be a fantastic manager of internet Endeavors. My MS EXCEL experience is vital, I have been making spreadsheets for many projects, the most recently, I have made a spreadsheet for my online Web Community!” Thank you for reviewing my resumee and providing me with an interview! I am an office assistant by profession, and an aspiring office manager by desire.

Here is a run-down of my job training:

2011-2012-2013 – Manager, Internet Forum Extraordinaire.

I have managed a INTERNET COMMUNITY that specializes in grandeur.

We talk mostly about television shows, such as “LOST and ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER.”

On my forum, I learned how to make great Microsoft gadgets like the bullet points that are shaped like diamonds

Also arrows! I have an expensive knowledge of Microsoft Programs such as Microsoft Words.

2008-2012 Graduation from College, University of Miami

I learned “Sales” in my major, and even though you said that sales are not part of the job, I think that I could be a transformative force on your corporation and be able to boost your “SALES.” I am an expert on “sales”. My GPA was 3.18, which is greater than “Pi.”

I lived on campus, which gave me ample life experience. 

2005-2007 – Worked for my “Father” at our shop

My uncle, who was like a Father to me, has an online webshop where he sells trinkets from Poland. He sells them exclusively to Polish People, but he is not Polish.

I had to make internet Sales for my uncle so I have expertise in creating sales literature and sales websites.

Other Skills

I have achieved “Perfection” at Microsoft Power Point.

I am “energetic.”

I can make an abundance of applications for iPhones, if you want to make your business “iPhone Friendly.”

Do you have a paper shredder in your office? Because I have one. I can bring it in to help create a “Cohesive Work Environment.” I believe in sharing the goods that we all have, in order to promote a community environment. In fact, some of the literature my uncle sells includes COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA! from when the Soviet Union inhabited Poland. I don’t believe in Communism, but I do believe in Community.

I have an expansive knowledge of Windows 7 – 8.

Thank you for considering my proposal and for streamlining your business with my facilitation of synergistic techniques. Also, I know that you need a woman in the workplace.

“Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex.”
-Karl Marx

Robert Shaw

Specializing in tech startups, Mr Shaw has shown a talent for helping first round funded companies get their head around what they are supposed to be doing to keep their investors happy. A graduate of Penn State and then Tulane University A.B. Freeman School of Business, Mr Shaw likes to work in new and developing technology areas. Mr Shaw also likes walks on the beach and sand in his hair, whoops that is his dating profile.