The Fundamentals of Divorce AKA World War 3


This article is for entertainment only. I am not a lawyer. I am an idiot who knows nothing about the law. If you were to follow any of the ideas raised in this article then you are also an idiot. I wrote this story from my bitter and twisted divorce experiences and added to it with a liberal lather of fiction. So you must accept that these are ramblings, opinions, ideas, dreams and fiction of a bitter and  insane man and must be treated with that regard. You must not consider any piece of this article as legal advice in any way shape or form. That’s what lawyers are for. If you need a lawyer, look in the yellow pages. If you haven’t already used it to light the house on fire.

Your Divorce Is Inevitable

With the divorce rate at 67% and the unhappiness rate of those left married after 5 years at 92% unhappy, it is inevitable that you will get divorced. The numbers support the reality that very few people stay married and happy. It may now be an institution that has little value in modern society.

The Tricks and Cons Of Divorce

In a divorce, the terms of warfare often become one of “anything goes”. Any trick or con that can be used to get an edge will be milled by the aggressor to the fullest value and effect. Any technique can be used to get a better financial deal and in many divorces accusations can include; violence, infidelity, molestation, rape, drug use, religious extremism, necrophilia, bestiality, immigration crime and theft. These can be used to add weight to their campaign and force you to concede, even if the state that you are getting divorced in is a “no-fault” state.

Pre-Nup and Post-Nup Agreements

Most attorneys will tell you that these pieces of paper are worthless. My opinion is that they have tremendous value for you and your spouse because they will limit the amount of work the attorney will need to do for you at divorce, so it is not in the attorneys interest to have these signed. It’s even better if you videotape them. If your lawyer asks questions like “Are you signing this agreement under duress?” , “Is there any impediment for you to sign this agreement?” on the video, then your are in good shape. A judge will want to see this video and it will bolster your case greatly.

Things You Should Plan For

Planning for your assets to go to your kids, not your ex

  • Dissolution of Your Assets
  • Why you should fight to the death, you have nothing to lose.
  • Short-term strategy
  • Long-term Strategy

Judge’s Ruling On The House

The defacto standard nowadays is to always give the house to the woman. It doesn’t really matter what happened, remember the state sees that women need protection from all men. If you can get a female judge, she may be more equitable to the man. An old and crusty male judge is going to feel that the woman needs protection and should be awarded everything.
Judges today give the house to the woman. There are no ifs or buts or arguments that can change it. The fact that she stayed at home to bring up the kids and is now unemployable is your fault if you have kids.

As soon as I realized I was heading for divorce I met with every top divorce attorney in the area. This did nothing for my case, but ensured that my wife could not seek advice from any of them as this is against law practices.

Did you see the movie Magnolia? It’s time that women started to respect the c%^&

Divorce should be done by accountants not lawyers, It a money game not an emotional one. Why do lawyers process divorces – It’s that tradition thing again.

The bond of marriage is a terrible contract that would never be ratified by a lawyer, if it was not for tradition. It seems tradition is the thing that keeps this shell game going.

Pre-Nup and the Post-Nup

Ten Things You Need To Know Before Saying “I Divorce Thee”

  1. How to plan a divorce 2 years in advance of telling your wife.
  2. Why you deserve all the assets you worked hard for.
  3. How you can take care of your kids without the wife getting your estate.
  4. How to have an affair and a divorce – without interference.
  5. How to hide your earnings from your wife.
  6. Pre- nuptial and post-nuptial agreements – why you need them.
  7. What tricks is your wife going to pull to get money out of you
  8. Divorce, Terms of engagement – Realization that it is, in fact, a war.
  9. How to make money through your divorce and keep it.
  10. How the attorneys mind works – how they make their money.

The Smart Mans Plan For After The Divorce

  1. How to stop your wife using the kids as a weapon against you
  2. How to hide assets before, during and after a divorce
  3. How to stop your 401k from being plundered
  4. How to have a relationship with a new person without bitterness
  5. Dating contracts – why they have become a necessity today
  6. Why you should marry a dummy and not a smarty

Legal Terms Explained

The Lawyers Retainer – A blank check of woe?
Equitable Distribution – The legal rape of your assets?
Negotiation – Trying to keep what you own in your pocket.
Settlement – Where lawyers decide your livable worst case scenario.
Pregnancy – Your death sentence and her passport to luxury

How to plan your divorce two years in advance

Here’s the scenario:
Your wife is pissing you off and you want a divorce….You have an argument with her in which you blurt out “I want a divorce “…..What a schmuck you are…You just screwed yourself…
We estimate that this declaration probably cost you 25% of your estate right there… so let’s figure a conservative estate worth $300k, therefore each word cost you $75k – Wasn’t worth it, was it?
If only you had known, you could have put mind over matter and started planning your divorce at least two years in advance before saying those fateful words.
During this time you can focus on such matters like – hiding assets, blowing money legally, planting blame, creating scapegoats, creating alternative lodgings, resigning from your job, manufacturing evidence, covering up evidence, minimizing assets, maximizing costs, maximizing loans, faking an injury, feigning insanity and a variety of other “Smart moves” that will allow you much greater leverage when the “Bombshell” time draws near. Missing this window of opportunity is just as bad as saying “I do” without a watertight pre-nuptial agreement. Don’t add insult to injury, take this time to take stock, reload and plan your escape from the “Colditz” you call wedded bliss. Realization that this is in fact a war, the sooner you realize this, the better it will be for you.

Required Reading: Love Stinks Video

In Love Stinks, Seth (French Stewart from TV’s 3rd Rock from the Sun), a sitcom writer-producer, meets Chelsea (Bridgette Wilson, Billy Madison) at his best friend’s wedding. He’s immediately smitten by her blonde babeness; she’s attracted to his income and single status. For the next 45 minutes she tries to get him to commit though a combination of skimpy outfits and wild mood swings. When she finally realizes he’s not going to, she turns into a vengeful harpy and tries to make his life hell. This is funny if you believe that women are manipulative, money hungry, marriage-fixated psychotics. The standard of wit is best expressed in the line, “Drop the probe and step away from my ass,” declared by Seth as he’s about to receive an unrequested colonic in a spa. It’ makes you think, what shit did this comedy writer go through to make him dream this up. Writer-director Jeff Franklin previously made two TV movies starring the Olson Twins; this may have been his attempt to exorcise some relationship gone awry. Love Stinks also features Bill Bellamy (Love Jones, Def Jam’s How to Be a Player) and supermodel Tyra Banks.

Why you deserve all the assets you worked hard for

Let’s face it, you worked hard for the money, why shouldn’t you keep it?
You worked long hours, blood sweat and tears, gave up the wonderful luxuries of home life – You deserve everything you created.
The idea that assets must be split between the parties harps back to the middle ages when women had no rights, assets or future of their own.
Times have changed; the law has not kept pace.
You do deserve to keep all your assets. The courts will see that you will lose them – You must fight every step of the way and remain strong against the evil that is called “Woman”
How you can take care of your kids without the wife getting your estate
You love your children, of course you do, and you would do anything for them. The enemy knows this and like any enemy in the history of warfare they will exploit your weakness.
If it is a war, then you must act as such and treat your children as hostages, you want them out of enemy territory but the enemy will use them to maximum affect, you must make them expendable.
Any media focus always leads to longer sentences for hostages and more of a payoff to the kidnappers.
To be successful in springing your brood you must plan a surprise attack, such as; getting the mother committed, planting detrimental evidence, allowing the enemy to become lazy and unguarded.
If these actions seem harsh, it’s because you are at war, you just have not realized it
How to have an affair and a divorce – without interference if you had an affair, got caught and now she wants a divorce – then you are a shmuck.
Even in a “No Fault” states the judge looks upon actions such as this in a bad light, especially for a family man and whilst the regular judicial decisions will follow a normal path, the border line decisions will not go in your favor IE. Visitation rights, alimony etc.

A more pragmatic approach is to hold off banging the new woman until you are legally separated (Although this term is a very gray area)
Then just go crazy, who cares – as long as no evidence exists for prior to the break-up.

Remember the enemy will use any method they can to discredit you, so be prepared to defend your position – Have your witnesses ready and you affidavits completed – these are your weapons in this war.
How to hide your earnings from your wife

Resign your job in favor of lower paid cash-in-hand job

Get fired and collect unemployment, but continue to work for your company through a back door method.
Have your salary reduced and have it increased with the missing reduction after the lawsuits are complete.

Prenuptial and Postnuptial Agreements

Why you need them once a “Laughed out of court” document the pre and post nuptial documents are gaining more and more credibility in legal circles
Celebrities ALWAYS have them, why then shouldn’t you?
One of the big problems that you face is that your female partner refuses to sign one, stating one of the following statements like:

  • I don’t want to start the marriage on the wrong foot
  • It makes me think you don’t love me
  • Is this business or marriage?
  • You don’t have the same feelings as me
  • my last husband made me get one and I didn’t get anything from his estate?
  • All of these lines completely miss the point that 75% of marriages fail, so chances are that yours will fail – you must take insurance out against this, the agreements are this insurance.

A Pre-Nuptial Agreement is a contract signed before a marriage to set forth by contract each person’s rights in separate property, income, alimony, child support, and inheriting from each other. The contract is intended to change what would occur by law if there is a divorce or if a spouse dies.

These types of contracts are sometimes referred to as an “Ante-Nuptial” or “Pre-Marital” Agreements.

Because a Pre-Nuptial Agreement will almost certainly alter a spouse’s rights under the law, each spouse-to-be is strongly advised to seek the advice of his or her own lawyer before signing. In fact, if one of the spouses-to-be does not have an independent lawyer, a court may refuse to enforce the Pre-Nuptial Agreement.
The law on the enforceability of, and requirements for, pre-nuptial agreements varies from state to state. Remember that a basic requirement for enforceability of a pre-nuptial agreement is for each party to be represented by independent counsel. It is strongly recommended that you consult an attorney before negotiating a pre-nuptial agreement.

Two copies of the Pre-Nuptial Agreement, including the exhibits containing the income and asset schedules for each party, must be prepared for each party’s lawyer to review. To help ensure enforceability, each party’s lawyer must sign the final agreement to verify that the parties are fully aware of the meaning and effect of the Pre-Nuptial Agreement.
A Pre-Nuptial Agreement allows the parties to specify that certain property and income is to remain the separate property of each person, and is not subject to division in the event of a divorce. The agreement may also be used to eliminate the possibility of a spouse receiving an inheritance out of a deceased spouse’s property. It also allows you, in those states which permit it, to establish alimony obligations.

This agreement also allows you to deal with the practical matters of running the household. For example, it can be used to establish matters like a joint account for day-to-day living expenses, whether any automobiles are jointly owned, gifts to each other, and ownership rights in the residence. It also provides an option for the owner of the residence to allow the other spouse to continue living there if the owner spouse dies.

This Pre-Nuptial Agreement follows the virtually universal law that these agreements must be based on a full and complete disclosure of each person’s property and income to the other spouse-to-be, and that the terms of the agreement must be fair and valid. This agreement includes exhibits where each spouse-to-be is to list his or her assets and sources of income, so that the information is disclosed to the other party. The disclosures must be made sufficiently in advance of the wedding to allow the other party enough time to review and discuss them with an attorney.

This agreement provides the necessary options for couples who live in community property states, including Arizona, California, Idaho, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.
It also includes options if either or both of the parties have minor children from a prior marriage, and allow you to specify, for example, that neither party has any obligation to support the other party’s children.

Post-Nuptial Agreements: A Post-Nuptial Agreement resembles a Pre-Nuptial Agreement in that it may change the property, debt and income relationships between spouses to follow rules different from the Family Law Act. Spouses are subject to a marital duty of trust (fiduciary duty) toward each other which, if violated, may invalidate a Post-Nuptial Agreement.

There are some public policy limitations as to what rights and legal interest’s spouses are allowed to give up, even voluntarily.

Susan Abrahamson

Recent written research pieces have been printed in Wired Magazine, Tech Review, Business Insider and Cat Fancier. Although the latter story did not require any hands-on tech knowledge, Mr Tiddles gave it his full approval and his fuzzy logic is really rather cute.